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Aviation humour
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The Army & Air Force Game
An Indian Army officer and an Air Force officer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Army officer leans over to the Air Force officer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Air Force officer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Army officer persists and explains that it is a really easy game. He says, "I ask a question and if you don't kow the answer, you pay me Re.5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you Re.5." Again, the Air Force officer politely declines and tried to sleep. The Army officer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me Re.5, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you Re.50!" Now, that got the Air Force officer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Army officer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Air Force officer doesn't say a word, but reaches for his wallet instead and hands the Army officer Re.5. Now it is the Air Force officer's turn. He asks the Army officer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Army officer looks at him with a puzzled expression, takes out his notebook computer, looks through all his references, and after about half an hour, wakes the Air Force officer and hands him Re.50. The Air Force officer politely takes the Re.50, turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Army officer, a little miffed, asks, "Well, what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Air Force officer reaches into his wallet, hands Re.5 to the Army officer, turns away and returns to sleep

Military Cargo Plane
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I farted and a house blew up!"

Trouble At 40,000 Feet
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a passenger looked out the window. "Good Lord!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!" Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?" The pilot confirmed that they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

For all you frequent fliers out there....
A commercial airline jet was sitting at the airport waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive. Just as the passengers started to really get restless, the airline announced that the pilot and co-pilot had just gotten in and were on their way. The pair came in through the rear door and began walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. The passengers began whispering among each other when it became apparent that the pilot and co-pilot were looking very blind. Both had their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. The pilot was using a white cane, bumping into passengers as he stumbled down the aisle and the co-pilot was using a guide dog. After they sat down at the cockpit, the passengers exchanged a few nervous laughs and thin jokes about the safety of the flight. The engines revved up and the plane began taxiing over to the runway. By this time a few passengers were craning their necks trying to see into the cockpit to see what the pilots were up to. When they approached the runway, the engines grew louder and louder as the plane went faster and faster down the runway. As the airplane started accelerating rapidly, people began to panic and some passengers were praying. As the plane got closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices became more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane had almost no runway remaining, everyone screamed at once and, at that very moment, the airplane lifted off and became airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathed a sigh of relief and turned to the captain, "You know, one of these days, the passengers are going to scream too late and we're gonna get killed!"

Santa's FAA Checkup
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test... The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

Air Force
A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father askes, "So, how did the parachute jump go, Son?". Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill Sgt. comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12 incher!" Father says, "Well, Son, did you jump?". "Just a little at first", said the son.

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such- and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane ... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Air Force Levity
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious (P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics (P) Noise behind left panels, Sounds like a little man with hammer (S) Took hammer from little man.

Clinton, Perot & Dole on Airforce One.....
Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy." Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy." Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

Bar Antics
An Airforce man, an Army man and a Marine are in a bar. The Army man gets frisky and throws his beer bottle into the air, takes his M-16, shouts "I'm all I can be" and shoots the bottle. The Marine see's the Army grunt, throws his beer bottle into the air, takes his M-16, screams "I'm the few, and the proud", and shoots his bottle. The Air Force gentleman see's what the two next to him have done, throws his bottle into the air, takes his M-16, shoots both the Army guy and the Marine and yells "It doesn't get any better than this".

Air Force One
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the area in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath, "did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did. " The man muttered unconcernedly. "Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped. "Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning." "The President of the United States is DEAD?" the agent gulped in disbelief. "Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

The German Airforce
The German Airforce has an Airman who buys a new Porsche every year, wears Cartier watches and has the most expensive suits. One day during a social, the Airforce Lieutenant-General approaches the Airman and asks him: "how can you affort to buy a new Porsche every year, wearing those expensive watches and suits?". "Simple", says the Airman, "I have a little business on the side.", he continues: "I make bets, and to be honest, I almost win them every time!". The General tells him that he finds that very hard to believe and he chalenges the Airman to make a bet with him. "OK", says the Airman, "we'll bet that by tomorrow 1200 you'll only have one testical left!". The General starts laughing, but accepts the bet for $100,-. The Airman and the General agree that they'll meet in the restaurant the next day at 1200. When the General wakes up the next day he feels if he's still got both his balls, you'll never know. But he still has them. At 1200 sharp the General walks into the Base Restaurant and goes straight to the Airman. "Well buddy", he says, "It looks like you're loosing $100,- today, because I still have my two testicals ". The Airman says: "I believe you sir, but I have to be sure, so I'd really have to feel it before I can give you the $100,-". The General thinks: "well, we're all men in here so what the hell ..." and he drops his pants. The Airman grabs him by the balls and says: "Yep sir, you're right, you still have'em both" and he hands him the $100,-. "See, you don't win all the time!?", says the General. "I definitely won" says the Airman in return, "because I bet all the men in here for $1000,- that today 1200 I'd grab the Lieutenant General by the balls!!!".

Three Pilots
There were three pilots. One was from navy, second one was from airforce and the third one was from an airline. All of them were talking big about themselves. The airforce pilot said: "we pilots in airforce are the best, we got such good brains that if something happens to us and our brains get scattered, our doctors are so good that they collect all our brains put it together and next day we are back in flying." The navy pilot said: "we pilots in the navy are the best, we got such strong guts that we take off and land on the moving ship, if something happens to us and our guts get scattered in the sea then our doctors are so good they collect all our guts, put them together and next day we are back in flying." The Airline pilot was listening to them very patiently, when both of them finished he said: "we pilots from the airline are the best, we have no brains and no guts but still we fly."

President Clinton
President Clintonwas returning to Washington from a trip to his home state of Arkansas. As he was getting off of Airforce One, an army general was there to greet him. The general couldn't help but notice that Clinton was carrying a pig under each arm. When Clinton got to the bottom of the stairs, the General saluted him and boldly said, "Nice to have you back in Washington, Mr. President." Clinton responded, " Thanks. I had a great trip. While I was there I picked up a couple of Arkansas razor backs. The General saluted and responded, " They're fine looking pigs sir." Clinton says, "Yeah, I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hilary." In reponse, the general exclaimed, "OH! Good trade, sir!"

Four Admirals
Four Admirals, one from the Navy, Airforce, Army, and Marines, were boasting to one another about which branch had the biggest balls, the most guts, and who was the most gung-ho. The Airforce Admiral said, "Watch this. Recruit!" he called out. A young Airforce recruit snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Yes, sir?" The admiral pointed at a near by plain and said, "Get in that plane, fly up one thousand feet, and jump without a parachute." The recruit immediately got in a fired the plane up. As instructed, he flew up one thousand feet and jumped without a chute. The Admirals watched as he plummeted down and splattered on the ground. The Admirals all agreed that this was impressive, but the Army Admiral held up his hand and said, "Check this out. Recruit!" he shouted. "Yes, sir!" replied a nearby grunt. The Admiral pointed at the tank practice range and said, "Go stop that tank with your body." "Yes Sir! the recruit replied. The grunt charged out to the tank range, positioned himself before an oncoming tank, and authoritatively held his hand up. The tank squashed him flat. Again the Admirals agreed on how impressive that was. The Marine Admiral grinned and said, "I 've got you all beat. Recruit!" he yelled. "YES SIR!" shouted a jar head. "Take out your field knife and give yourself a Colombian Neck Tie!" "YES SIR! the recruit replied. The jar head pulled out his field knife, slit his own throat, and, before collapsing to the ground, pulled his tongue out threw the hole. The Admirals starred in amazement. As the Airforce and Army Admirals began to congratulate the Marine, the Navy Admiral held up his hand and said, "Follow me down to the pier fellas." When they arrived the Navy Admiral called up to a recruit performing repairs at the top of the mast. He shouted, "Recruit! Jump off of that mast right now!!" The squid looked at the Admiral, then at the hard deck below him, then back to the admiral. He finally extended his middle finger and shouted, "FUCK YOU, SIR!" The Navy Admiral turned to his astonished colleagues and said, "Now THAT took balls!"

Stealth fighter crashed by crashing Windows
According to anonymous sources close to the Pentagon the F-117 stealth fighter was not brought by a Yugoslav anti-aircraft missile. It fell victim to a crash of its on-board computer. That particular plane was one of eight experimental planes whose computer was running on Windows CE operating system. According to the pilot, he was returning back to base when he heard a familiar taah-tahm tune. The sound was very familiar but definitely did not belong to the cockpit environment. A second later the pilot realized where he heard it so many times before. It was a sound of Window shutting down. Another second later the computer screen turned black and the plane began behaving erratically. The pilot attempted to reboot the computer while trying to keep the jet flying. The plane was barely responding to the controls -- a behavior expected from a "fly-by-wire" aircraft. Unlike conventional planes that can be flown manually F-117 needs the computer just to maintain the straight course. If the on-board computer of F-117 is turned off the plane becomes aerodynamically unstable and even the best pilot cannot control it. Indeed, Windows were still loading when the jet began rapidly changing pitch angle, steeply climbing up and then plunging down. In a few seconds of a wild ride the wings began to flatter and eventually the right wing fractured and separated from the fuselage. The pilot hit eject button. Though the Pentagon declined to comment the evidence points to the allegations to be true. Air combat command grounded the remaining seven jets from the experimental Windows CE group immediately after the incident. According to an airforce technician at Aviano air base in Italy who spoke on condition of anonymity the airforce engineers believe that it was the recently discovered "50 days" glitch that brought down the plane. It was recently reported that Windows 98 crashes after 49.7 days of uninterrupted work because of the timer buffer overflow. Apparently, the same glitch was present in the version of Windows CE used in the crashed F-117. Indeed, the flying log shows that the plane was in continuos operation for 50 days. The 2 months preceding the crash the plane was used very extensively. It was never used so extensively before. Even when the plane was grounded for express maintenance and refueling the computer was not powered down. Switching eight stealth fighters to Windows CE was a part of broader strategy by the Pentagon to control costs by relying on already developed civilian technology and off-the-shelf components. A similar mishap happened a couple of years ago when Windows NT crashed and paralyzed a Navy battleship for 2 hours. It is expected that senior Pentagon officials would hold a news conference on the 1st of April to announce whether or not the U.S. armed forces will continue relying on Windows operating system.

Cheeky Parrot
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whiskey you cow.” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, “And get me another whiskey you bitch.” Quite upset,the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. “I've asked you twice for coffee. Go and get it now, or I'll kick your ass". Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can't fly, you're a cheeky bastard.”

Too Late
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

Too smart
A plane with Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, the Dali Lama and a Hippie aboard lost an engine and smoke started to fill the cabin. The pilot burst in and said "We're going down, there are five of us and four parachutes". With that, he grabbed a parachute and leapt from the plane. Michael Jordan jumped to his feet and said "I'm the worlds greatest athlete, the world needs great athletes, I should have a parachute". He grabbed a parachute and leapt from the plane. Bill Gates rose and said "I'm the worlds smartest man, I created Microsoft, the world needs me, I should have a parachute". He grabbed a pack and leapt from the plane. The Dali Lama and the Hippy looked at each other. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son, I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you. You take the parachute and I will go down with the plane." The Hippie smiled and said "Don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

Academic Flight Rules
* Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. * If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. * Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. * It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. * The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. * The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. * When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. * A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. * Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. * The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. The larger the angle of arrival, the smaller the probability of survival and vice versa. * Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. * Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. * Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made. * There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. *You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. * If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is a commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. * In the ongoing battle between objects made out of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. * Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from poor judgment. * Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. . *Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. . *The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago. . *There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old bold pilots.

Drink up
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, "Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?" The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and stops shaking. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately. A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. "My goodness," the flight attendant says, "I've never seen someone so afraid to fly." "I'm not afraid of flying," says the man. "Then what's the matter? Sobbing loudly he says, "I'm trying to give up drinking."

Eat that
There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying somewher over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction, and went down somewhere. A few weeks later, PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the wreckage, but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief goes, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi" Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did their...things??" The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers. "No," replied the Chief "THINGS go better with Coke."

Too Heavy
Three Hunters chartered a local bush pilot to fly them for a hunting weekend. Upon returning on Sunday afternoon the young pilot noticed additional cargo waiting for him. Camping gear, rifles, three large grinning hunters and each toting a deer from their weekend spoils. The pilot quickly explained the small aircraft was already going to be overweight and the deer were going to have to be left behind. The hunters protested dismissing the importance of being overweight and said " Last year we loaded all of this stuff and the deer!" The pilot, not to be outdone, caved to the excess load. The poor aircraft bumped and weezed down the short grass strip and enevitably ended pranging the bushes at the end. Picking weeds off himself, the pilot asked the hunters:" are you sure you guys loaded all this stuff?" "oh yes we did, but last year we crashed over there!"

Blond together
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left". Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left". An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left". One blonde looked at the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

Last man alive
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Turbulent times
After a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers: "The turbulance we passed through was rough, but we are through it now." The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said "Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer." A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot. As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying "Don't forget the beer!"

Nervous flyer
This guy is really nervous about flying, but has business across the country and has to fly. To curb his fear he decided to get there early so he can talk to the pilot. As he walks on board he sees the stewardess... I mean "flight attendant" and asks her if he can speak with the pilot. "I'm sorry, she's not on board yet," she replies. He can't believe it. His first flight and the pilot's a woman! He asks again, "Can I speak with the co-pilot?" "I'm sorry sir, she's not on board yet either," she replies. He is really sweating now, even the co-pilot is a woman, so he asks if he can speak with the navigator. "I'm sorry sir, she's not on board yet either," she replies. As sweat is running down his face he grasps for some reassurance and asks a final time, "Can I at least see the cockpit?" To this remark the friendly flight attendant responds, "I'm sorry sir, we aren't calling it that anymore!"

Rough landing
There is a story about one of the first female pilots on a commercial airline in Australia. They were flying to Christmas Island in a BA146 and had to refuel at Learmonth. The Captain suggested that the First Officer (the female) take it in. She did. It is a bumpy airfield and her landing was not the best. As they taxied over to the fuel, the Captain picked up the microphone and announced "Ladies and gentlemen I would like you to know that I had nothing to do with that landing. It was entirely handled by.......... the first female pilot with this airline." She was furious, but what could she do? They continued to Christmas Island. There is only one runway on Christmas Island and it undulates somewhat. The island is surrounded by cliffs and when there is a crosswind, there can be a nasty rotor to deal with. This time the captain handled the landing and it was dreadful. As they taxied in, the first officer picked up the microphone and announced, "This is your first officer speaking. I would like you all to know that I had nothing to do with that landing. It was entirely handled by your captain .........." She looked round. He was furious - red in the face, almost with steam coming out of his ears. "What the hell did you do that for?" He blurted. "Well you did it to me." She replied smugly. "Yes, but I didn't press the microphone button."

Training pains
A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all of his landings. Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day?" The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up, then I just pull back."

During night ops training the instructor wanted to simulate a landing light failure: Tower: Cessna 1234, cleared to land runway 31. Pilot: Cleared to land, Cessna 1234. We'll switch off the landing light for training purposes. Tower: Roger. Do you want us to switch off the runway lights as well?

During a reunion of WWI airmen, decorated fighter ace Ole Olsen of Sweden was introduced as a speaker by the MC. During his presentation, Ole was asked by a member of the audience about his most trying moment in battle. "Well," he began, his nordic accent hanging heavily, "One day, flying over the North Sea, I look behind me, and there's all these Fokkers quickly closing in." At this point, the obviously distressed MC rushed to the microphone and hastily explained: "Ladies and gentlemen, the Fokker was a warplane used by the German forces." "Ya," continued Ole, "that' true, but THESE Fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!"

It takes a lot to be an airline pilot...
A guy walks into the bar carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and with a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of shit, which scares the cat off his shoulder, and finally chases the cat out of the bar never to return. Five days later the man returns; a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and a cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender, obviously annoyed at having to spend several hours cleaning up all the shit from the man's last visit, interrupted bitterly, "What the hell do you want?" "I'd like a drink", responded the man. "No way, not after your last escapade", snapped the bartender. "But bartender, I'm in training", replied the man. "Training! Training for what?", questioned the bartender. "I'm training to be an airline pilot", responded the man. "An airplane pilot?", questioned the bartender, "How do you figure?" "Well", added the man, "I go on a trip, I do a little drinking, I shoot a little shit, I chase a little pussy, and then I take five days off!"

Pilots heaven
A preacher dies and goes to heaven, where he's greeted at the gate by St. Peter. "Who are you?" St. Peter asks. "I'm Joe Brown. I'm a preacher. I've been preaching the Word of God for 50 years!" "Hmmm..." Peter says. "Let me go check and see if you can come inside." Peter wanders off into Heaven. While he's gone, someone else comes to the gate and knocks. Peter promptly returns to the gate and asks the new arrival: "Who are you?" "I'm Stan Smith," the guy replies. "Stan Smith? Stan Smith "the pilot"???" Peter exclaims. "Why, that's right," the guy replies. Peter throws open the gate and ushers the new arrival inside with an enthusiastic "Come in! Come in!" "What about me?" asks Preacher Brown. "Give it a few more minutes - we're still checking," Peter replies, and shuts the gate again. After what seems like hours, Peter comes back to the gate and opens it. "We've checked, and it's been decided you can come in," he tells the preacher. The preacher walks in, and while Peter is escorting him to his eternal reward, he asks, "You know, I don't want to seem jealous or resentful, but I've been preaching the Word of God for 50 years, and it took you forever to decide if I could come in. But you practically pulled that pilot out of his shoes getting him inside Heaven's gate. What gives?" "Well," Peter replies, "for 50 years while you preached, people slept in the pews. But every time someone got aboard an airplane with Stan, they were praying their hearts out!"

Blond sense
On a plane bound for Cairns, the flight attendant approached a blonde seated in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied "I"m blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Cairns, and I'm not moving!" Not wanting to argue with a passenger, the flight attendant asked the First Officer to speak with her. He went to the woman again asking her to move out of the first class section. Again the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Cairns, and I'm not moving!" The First Officer returned to the cockpit and asked the Captain what they should do about this. The Captain replied, "I'm married to a blonde, I know how to handle this." The Captain then went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She then immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and First Officer asked the Captain what he had said to her to get her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to Cairns."

Pilots hell
A pilot dies and goes to hell. As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the third and last door. Inside is a pilot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door. He laughs and chooses door number 3. "Sorry" says the devil. "Door number 3 is Flight Attendant's hell".

Too late
On a sky diving trip the instructor tells the student, Jump out, count to three, pull the cord, and the chute will open. If something goes wrong, just pull the emergency cord and the chute will open. There will be a truck below to pick you up. Good luck, have fun! The student jumps, counts: one, two, three..., and pulls. Nothing happens. He grabs the emergency cord and pulls. Again, nothing happens. Disgusted he says to himself, I bet there's no truck down there either!

Close call
A report has revealed that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick, Scotland were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 road between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse. Last May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of an approaching vehicle, and was surprised to find that his target had registered a speed in excess of 300 miles per hour. The ?5000 machine then seized up and could not be re-set by the bemused policemen. The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a simulated low-flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland. Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of the Lothian & Borders Police force to the RAF liaison office, it was revealed that the officers had a lucky escape - the tactical computer on board the aircraft not only detected and jammed the "hostile" radar equipment, but had automatically armed a Sidewinder air-to-ground missile ready to neutralise the perceived threat. Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile launched. The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point their radar guns inland in future.