And you thought YOU had a bad day
Response to a wildfire on the south of France's Cote d'Azur was billed as a marvel of modern fire-fighting technology. Two specially-built flying boats zoomed in, skimmed the waters of the Mediterranean, scooping vast amounts of water into their belly tanks, and then dropped the water on the hillside fire. All was jolly and the wine flowed freely until a body was found in the ashes. "The coroner found that the gentleman had apparently fallen from a great height, suffering serious injuries before being burned to death. The report further noted that the victim was wearing a bathing suit, snorkel, and swim fins."

Windshield tester
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies. The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing. They borrowed FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, broke the engineer's chair and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The Britsh were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: Use a thawed chicken!

One person who used to work for British Aerospace tells a similar story (which he swears is true), that these machines are actually used to fire chickens into jet engines to simulate birdstrikes on the compressor blades. To thaw the chicken, someone left it in the gun overnight and performed the test in the morning. The results were somewhat different from the expected, and close examination of the high speed video footage showed a very startled-looking stray cat clinging to a half-eaten chicken as it exited the gun at Mach 0.7.

Cheeky steward
The Balair charter flight home had been a long one. The passengers had got a bit bored over the second half and cockpit visits were taking place. After a while the crew were getting tired of this, so when the steward asked for "just one more", the captain told him to show the passenger the cockpit himself and then they were going to descend. As they went through the plates, the crew heard something like, "So this is the captain on the left - the sexual adviser on the right and the flight engineer here behind. Now, these instruments in the middle are.." "excuse me, what did you say the man on the right was?" asked the passenger. "The sexual adviser." answered the steward "Now - these levers here are......" "I am sorry to interrupt again" said the pax but do mean to tell me that you carry a sexual adviser on your crews?" The steward looked blankly at him. "Well I presumed so!" he answered - "At least, every time he opens his mouth, the captain says 'When I need your Fucking Advice, I'll ask you for it! ' "

Gottcha
One fine and glorious morning, Capt. Heavy about to enjoy his days off, leans over his bed and kisses his wife on the cheek. Slapping her firmly on the bottom, he says "I'm off to the Links to play 9 holes." "Promise me you'll only play 9!" she demands. "Absolutely, my love." he assures her. Meeting up with his mates at the local course they head out to the first tee. Just past midday our golfers show up at the clubhouse for a few pints. Things get a little carried away and after a couple of beers this gaggle of buxom young ladies turn up . As luck would have it, our Captain hits it off with this young, blonde-haired, blue-eyed sweetheart and before you know it she's inviting him back to her place for some snoggin'. A wild and passionate afternoon unfolds and they eventually fall asleep in one another's arms. Later, he jumps out of bed and looks at his watch. "Oh my GAWD!!! It's four thirty!!!" "Gotta run love" he tells her and shoots out the door struggling to get dressed. Driving home, he can't quite come up with a believable story' for his wife. "What am I going to tell her?" he asks himself. "Stuff it. We've been married to long for stories. I'll just tell her the truth and hope she understands." Shooting through the front door, his wife immediately demands, "Where have you been?" "Sweetheart, I think you should sit down. At first I thought I'd just make something up but we've been together so long I've decided to simply tell you straight out what happened." "I'm listening" she says. "Well, I met up with the boys for 9 holes and we finished just after midday. After that we went into the clubhouse for a couple of beers where I met this gorgeous young blonde who invited me back to her place for a wild afternoon of lovemaking. After which we fell asleep. It wasn't till late in the day I awoke and realized the time. I'm soooooo sorry my darling. Can you ever forgive me?" She sat back in her chair and looked him straight in the eye and said, "You lying bastard. You played 18 holes. Didn't you?"

Lost helicopter
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Fifteen Things You Don't Want to Hear on an Aeroplane
1. On an ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices... 2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. 3. Our sudden loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing expedition. 4. Goose! Bogey at 2 O'clock ... He's hot on our tail! ...Eject! Eject! 5. As the plane turns around right after takeoff: ... uhhhhh ... We have to go back. ... We... We... uhhhhhh ...forgot something... 6. Ummmmmm ... Sorry everybody ... (silence) 7. To the passengers on the right-hand side of the plane, I'm sure you've noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. 8. Fasten your seatbelts! (Spoken in the same tone your friend with suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in a car.) 9. This is your Captain speaking, these damn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to... so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn't go to well. 10. It would be a good idea right now if everyone would close their shades and watch the in-flight movie. 11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and... Damn! 12. Aww, I can't figure out how to turn this thing off and don't worry, that gauge is always on 'E'. 13. Stewardess would you please bring four parachutes to the cockpit. 14. From the Stewardess after placing a drink order: Okay, this man wants a soda and we need three martinis for the cockpit. 15. Hey why don't you tell that new Stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to South to avoid collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees north to avoid collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse..... Your call.

One for our boys
A few years ago an Indian "Kilo" class submarine secretly tailed the American aircraft carrier, USS Enterprise in the Indian Ocean. The Russian built "Kilo" class submarines are codenamed "The Black Hole" because of their stealth and low radar signature. The Americans were totally unaware of its presence even though they were closely followed for a considerable distance. Later an American Officer remarked that the Indian commander of the submarine must have recieved the "Order of Gandhi" for getting 6x4 closeup photographs of the carriers rear.

Pilot to Pilot
A young guy in a F-14 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot-dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hot-dog came over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better." The veteran bomber pilot answered "Try this hotshot". The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level. Perplexed the hot-dog asked, "So? What did you do?" "I just shut down two engines, kid!!"
A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-102's in escort with a B-36 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interes- ting flying because of the manueverability, acceleration and the like. The B-36 pilot replied "Yeh? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them. After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."

Rolled over
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

Talking parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. "What do they say?" The priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're randy. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" The priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know, I have two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying .... that phrase .... in no time. "Thank you" the woman responded, "this may well be the solution". The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're randy. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered."

Signs You Have A Bad Pilot
10. You overhear the pilot say on the intercom, "Hey Pedro, what's this gizmo?"
9. For the past two hours, you have been going straight up!
8. The pilot says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet."
7. The co-pilot is sitting on the captains lap.
6. When the pilot takes off he / she yells, "WWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
5. At some point your pilot announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars observer!"
4. The pilot is wearing a dominos pizza uniform.
3. Over the PA you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks! Heh, heh, heh."
2. As you get on the aeroplane you recognise the pilot is the same person that drove your cab to the airport.
1. The pilot keeps referring to the control tower as "MOMMY".

TOULOUSE
French aviation authorities here admitted to a near-disaster which occured about a month ago aboard an Airbus A320 jetliner. The controversial aircraft with its 'fly-by-wire' flight controls has been the subject of intense controversy since its introduction. The manufacturer, a consortium of European interests, has steadfastly maintained the aircraft's inherent safety over other aircraft, largely as a result of the computerized controls which limit inputs from the pilots to ensure they are always compatible with the current aerodynamic state of the plane. Pilots and other pundits have argued that these same safeguards can severely limit the crew's options in emergency conditions. Additionally, they argue that the increased faith placed in the on-board computers leads to crew complacency and inattentiveness.

The incident in question took place while the aircraft, a British Airways plane, was at cruise between New York and Fairbanks. The co-pilot was apparently entering new navigational data into the craft's INS (Inertial Navigation System) when he misstyped a code. The INS came back with 'Invalid PIN number selected' and returned the craft's weight and balance data to the astonished crew. "We tried several more times," exclaimed Reginald Dwight, the Captain, "and every time it was the same thing. On the third try it said "Access violation, contact your credit institution if you believe there is an error." At that point all the plane's controls froze and it refused to respond to our commands. We didn't know what to do, so we got on the radio."

British Airway's mechanics were equally dumbfounded and decided to call French mechanics. France's Aerospatial is the prime contractor for the aircraft. 'The French were totally rude to us,' stated an unnamed BA mechanic. 'They stated the problem was our fault and that "the pasty little Englishman probably had too many meat pies and Guiness".' 'It wasn't until we told them that Jerry Lewis was aboard the flight that they became concerned.'

French mechanics traced the problem to the ATM-6000 INS computer, which was a modified version of a computer used in the United States for bank transactions. 'Essentially, the INS decided that the co-pilot was trying to rip-off someone and locked the controls.' French authorities then assured the English crew that the system would automatically remove the restrictions at the start of the next banking day. 'We told them that we would be in the sea by then!' exclaimed the frustrated copilot, Nigel Whitworth.

A French team, headed by Bertrand Swatboutie, determined that manual control of the plane could be re-established if a crewmember went back to the tailcone and operated the elevators manually. The rudder is linked by backup cables to the cockpit and with the crewmember operating the elevator they determined they would have enough control. 'There is nothing wrong with ze plane,' exclaimed Swatboutie, 'that a little pinch in the rear will not cure. Just like a woman. If these English souffres knew anything about women, they would never have had to call us in the first place.'

The plane was able to safely land at Denver's Stapelton airport, where the craft was repaired and all crewmember's credit histories reviewed.

The Parachute Paradigm
You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute.
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.
Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Shoot this
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Frenchman, Englishman, & Claudia Schiffer
There was a French pilot, an English pilot and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a train going through France.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and it went completely dark. There was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the French pilot were sitting as if nothing had happened and the English pilot had his hand against his face where he'd been slapped.
The English pilot was thinking: "The French pilot must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English pilot must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the French pilot and got slapped for it."
And the French pilot was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Pommie Bastard again!"

The humour Of Just One Good Deed...
A man tries to enter Heaven but is stopped by the Angel who keeps the Pearly Gates.
The Angel explains that it is not easy to get into Heaven. There is a certain criterion to be met before entry is allowed.
The Angel asks the man several questions.
Was he religious in life?
He answers, "No!"
Did he attend church often?
He answers, "No!"
Did he give alms to the poor?
He answers, "No!"
Did he do any good deeds while on earth?
He answers, "No!"
Did he help his neighbor?
He answers, "No!"
The Angel says, "Not good! Not good at all!"
In exasperation the Angel says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this little old lady who was surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels bikers when I came out of the drugstore. They had taken her purse and were shoving her, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought my way through the crowd and got her purse back. I helped her to her feet. Then I went up to the biggest, meanest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was; and then I spat in his face."
"Wow", says the Angel, "That's impressive. When did this happen?"
"Oh, about ten minutes ago," replied the man.

Nymphed out
A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago." He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?" She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Mahatma: Mahatma Goldstein."

Third time unlucky
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Just checking
A guy walks into a bar with is pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then he jumps up and down on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, that little pig. I'll pay you for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", respond the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

Rare meat
A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation went something like this: Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened." Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground." Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony." 15 minutes goes by and the judge returns. Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?" Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a Californian Condor and a Spotted Owl."

Lucked out
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all cried in an excited frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't!"

Royalty
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!". "Well, sweet cheeks" replied the flight attendant "in my country, I'm called a Queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"

Shooting blanks
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

Damaged goods
A Frenchman, and Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals. The cannibal chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through. The Englishman says, "Right-o. A pistol for me!" The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts stabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, the legs, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible! The chief is appalled and asks, "What in the world are you doing?" The New Yorker gives him the finger and says, "So much for your fuckin' canoe!"

Reformed bird
There was this fella with a parrot. And this parrot sweared like a Marine. He could swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble was, the guy who owned him was a quiet, conservative type, and this parrot's foul mouth drove him crazy. One day, it got to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the parrot mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the parrot in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the parrot and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the parrot into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The parrot kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the parrot may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The parrot calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot asks, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

A good days fishing
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.""Well, tell me!" the man said. The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay." "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?" "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her." "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded. The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."