Between 60's and 80's, the cold war between US and USSR was such that if USA launched a Nuke-loaded missile, USSR's satellites were capable of informing USSR army in 3 seconds, and in less than 45 seconds USSR would also launch its counter-missile. US knew that, and therefore, never attempted to launch one.

Recent studies commissioned by US Dept. of Defence (DOD) included one likely scenario on a nuclear war between India and Pakistan.

Pak army decides to launch a Nuke-missile towards India. They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly launch the missile. Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects it and decides to launch a missile in retribution. But they need permission from "The Government of India".

They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet. The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha (i.e., LS) session. After three days, when the LS meets, due to several walkouts and severe protest by the opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely. The President asks for a quick decision.

In the meantime, the Pak missile failed to take off due to unknown reasons. Their attempts for a relaunch are still on.

Meanwhile, the Indian ruling party is reduced to minority because a party, giving outside support, withdraws support.

Therefore, its first task is now to get majority. The President asks the PM to prove majority within a week. Meanwhile, an external affairs spokesman requests Pak for some bilateral talks, at the secretary and minister levels.

Next week, as the ruling party was not able to get confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed. The acting PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch the Nuclear Missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government cannot take such a decision because elections are at hand and this decision might affect the swing of votes in the election.

A PIL (Public Interest Litigation) is filed in the Supreme Court of India, alleging misuse of power by the Election commission. The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision, in the interests of the nation.

In between, one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target on a government building at 11:00 AM. But there were no casualties since no employee had reached the office by then. In any case, the nuclear core of missile had detached some where in flight. Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA.

US condemns the use of a nuclear missile by Pakistan, and offers to send its seventh fleet in Indian Ocean. The Indian government, wary of the move, declines. The Indian government finally decides to launch a nuclear missile, after convening an all party meeting. This time all the parties agree. It's three months since the army had sought permission.

But this time, some "pro-humanity", "anti-nuclear" activists come on road against the government's decision. Human chains are being made in CA, LA and Washington for peace. Many E-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible."

On the Pakistan side, the missiles keep failing. Some time they fail to take-off, some time the payload gets detached from the missile during flight. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan, these missiles are neutralized by Pak itself, as these missiles are now moving backwards towards Karachi.

A missile (smuggled from USA) is used. Since Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits its original destination: Russia. Russians successfully intercept the missile and in retaliation, launch a nuclear missile towards Islamabad. (Note: Russian missiles never fail.) The missile hits the target and creates havoc. Pakistan cries for help. It asks for loans from the IMF and the World Bank. India expresses deep regrets for what had happened and sends in a million dollar worth of soaps.

So in the end, India never got to launch the missile. Pak never got it right and got themselves screwed. Indian Diplomacy at its best!

Conclusion reached by the DOD: Kashmir is now no longer a dangerous flashpoint, and they turn their attention towards Osama Bin Laden!

And they lived happily ever after.

This was a scene on the India-Pak war in 1965:

The Indian Army was facing the Pak army in the fields. The Indian army waiting for the enemy, they spot a herd of pakistani tanks and men moving towards their post, the Commander of the Indian forces Shamsher singh asks to be given a red shirt, he wears it and fights, they kill all the pakistanis and keep the post.

All done, when asked why he wanted the red shirt, he says, he wore the red shirt, so that even if he is hurt in battle, he did not want his soldires to lose morale continue to fight. All the soldiers love it and praise him to be their leader. He is docorated with a galantry award.

Pakistani commander hears about to this and kicks himself for missing his chance. Comes war in 1971. The same Pak commander holds his post and one day sees some Indian Tanks and men moving towards it shouting "Bharat Mata ki Jai"..... He orders to his men "Give me my brown pants".... and the post is washed out.

Q: How many speeds were on a TSPian Patton tank? What are they?
A: Four:
- Slow forward
- Fast reverse
- Very fast reverse
- Ultra fast reverse

Two NLI vermins somewhere in Kargil hunkered down near a stone-walled bunker for a much-needed rest. "Say, Ahmed," said the first, "that looks like a cell phone sticking out of your pack."

"Yeah, Hussain," Ahmed admitted. "I keep it there in case our regular communication equipment fails and we need to call in reinforcements."

"I pray to allah that it is true," Hussain said after a moment's thought, " but we ARE the reinforcements."

One Pak soldier in Bangladesh near end of 71 war, "I dread the day they tell us to march on the enemy with bayonets fixed."

"Afraid of the enemy?" asked his buddy.

"No, of the guy marching behind me. He always takes an extra step when the sergeant tells us to halt."

A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.

As soon as he just started you-know what, a Delhi police official approached him, "Hey, What do you think you are doing here?"

Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"

Police: "No PP here okay? Follow me.

The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass, flowers and singing birds around.

Police: "PP here....and have a nice day"

Pakistani tourist: "Oh Sir,.... thats very nice of you, is this Indian courtesy?"

Police: "No......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"

There was once a Indian and a Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Indian owned a hen and each morning whould look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen laid an egg in the Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid in his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following action. I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time me how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Pakistani agreed and so the Indian found his heviest pair of boots and put them on he took a few steps back, then ran towards the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"

Q. What does Hatf stand for?
Ans. Houri-vision Amplified Termination Fuse.

Q. What does Ghauri stand for?
Ans. Ghaznavid Houri Atmospheric Recombustion Interface.

Q. What does Shaheen stand for?
Ans. Nothing, its the way Infomush says Shine.

Q: Why did it take two weeks for Pakistan to test its bombs after India's?
A: Because the user's manual was written in Chinese.

Q: What do you call a Pakistani with his hand up a Pig's ass?
A: A mechanic.

Q: Which virtue would that be showing if you see a Pakistani stopping a man beating up a donkey?
A: Brotherly Love

Pakistan.java

package napak;
import afganistan.terrorists.*;
import sudan.terrorists.*;
import lybia.terrorists.*;
import saudi.money.*;
import kuwait.money.*;
import pakistan.problems.*;
import pok.goat.*;
public class Pakistan extends APerfectShit
{
public Pakistan()
{
this("Why Pakistan sucks big time????");
}
public Pakistan(String message)
{
super(message);
dailyWork();
}
//private Object dailyWork() //commented by Mushraff. signature changed.
private void dailyWork()
{
Vector problems = getCurrentProblems();
problems.trimToSize();
if(problems.size() > 1 million)
{
//Note by administrator : Please fine tune this method
//for performance issues. There is high possibility that
//we have to extensively use this method in very near future.
createPoolOfMujahideens();
return;
}
for(int ctr = 0; ctr < problems.size(); ctr++)
{
Problem p = (Problem)problems.elementAt(ctr);
if(p instanceof InternalProblem)
{
blameItOnIndia();
}
else if(p instanceof ImpossibleProblem)
{
Mujahideen m = new Mujahideen();
m.start();
}
else
scheduleProblemForTomorrow();
}
return;
}
public static void main(String args[])
{
Pakistan ourLastHope = new Pakistan();
}
}
class Mujahideen extends Thread implements Terrorists
{
private Goat myGoat = new TightHoleGoat();
private boolean rulersScrewPakistan = true;
public Mujahideen()
{
}
public void run()
{
while(rulersScrewPakistan)
{
killInocentPeople();
f#@&kGoats();
//Note from Mushraff : I commented following line. Who will do
//our job if we don't do it. Bug 9876543210 solved.
//rulersScrewPakistan = false;
}
}
//implementation of methods from Terrorists interface.
public void takeOrdersFromMentor()
{
//Note from ISI chief : We must tighten our hold on these ********.
//One was found to be saying that "What this piece of **** will
//order us?? They can't control their own country how the hell
//will they control us?? Lets use them for taking wepaons and
//money and then dump them."
}
}
Disclaimer :
============
You are solely responsible for any consequences of using this program. This program is infected by a new hidden mujahideen (virus) called Pakistan that will affect all your executables which if run will show different uses of goats in pictorial form.

A Pakistani is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time. The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds, "Why, certainly! The time is now four o'clock." The Pakistani scratches his head and says, "You know, it's really weird. I've been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer!"

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a Pakistani gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he replied. "You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track."

"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"

"Well, you might ask him..."Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The Pakistani thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh - "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?" "I must confess I don't know much about history."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor, a Pakistani, came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. He opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into his house. A little later he came out of his house again, looking nervous, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here ur Pakistani came again, looking very heated up. He marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions, the man asked him, "Is something wrong?" To which the ferocious Pakistani replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

Once there was a train, which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks. Suddenly the train deviated from the tracks, went onto the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified. On the next railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be a Pakistani. He was questioned . He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after blowing the horn, flashing the lights etc. The authorities questioned : Pakistani are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger. You should have run that person over. Pakistani said : That is exactly what I had decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train got real close.

Pakistani with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear..." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?" "The scoundrel called back."

Two Pakistani's went into a pub and after ordering two beers took some sandwiches out of their pockets and started to eat them. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner. So the two Pakistani's swapped their sandwiches.

Two Pakistani's are on a railway station. "Can I take this train to Karachi?" asks the first. "No," answers the Railroad man. "Can I?" asks the second Pakistani.

Once there was this man from Pakistan walking through a lonely desert with his camel. For days together he walked alone with his camel in the desert . Being alone for so long a time, he got the urge to make love . Being alone in the sandy desert he had no choice but to make love to his camel. So he tried to make love to the camel. The camel shook him off. He tried again the next day. And the next day too the camel shook him off. So he continued his journey like this trying daily, hoping that the camel will accept him one day. One day he came upon a woman being chased by a gangster. She was crying for help. Our Pak drew out his sword fought with the gangster and killed him. The woman was so pleased with the Pak that she told him that she will do anything for him in return for saving her from the gangster. The Pak immediately asked the beautiful woman, "COULD YOU PLEASE HOLD THE CAMEL FOR ME ".

Once Vajpayee on an invitation went to Pakistan. After a round of talks, both sit down to drink a little and get into a discussion.

VAJPAYEE: I hear you have a lot of drunks in Pakistan.
SHARIEF: Not so! That's India's negative propaganda!
VAJPAYEE: No, I'm sure of it. You have a lot of drunks!
SHARIEF: Nonsense. I'll prove it. You can go out at any hour of the night tonight, and I'll give you an AK-47. If you see any drunk you can kill him!
VAJPAYEE: Ahhh! Very good...

That night, at 1 am, Vajpayee decides to go out. Sharief phones ISI, and instructs them to get all the drunks off the street. So Vajpayee & Sharief go cruising around Islamabad, Vajpayee carrying the AK-47 in his lap. They drive for two hours - and not a single drunk. Vajpayee is in the throes of despair, and they are about to head back in, when he spots one lone drunk - staggering everywhere - who has escaped the dragnet. Vajpayee rolls down the window and blows the guy away.

Three months later, Sharief comes to India, and after negotiating with Vajpayee - they head for drinks again.

SHARIEF: Atal, I hear you Indians are a bunch of drunks.
VAJPAYEE: Not true. We're hard working people.
SHARIEF: That's not what I heard. I want the same deal I gave you, machine gun and all.

At 1:00. So Vajpayee calls the police and the CBI and tells them to get all the drunks off the road. The two of them go cruising around in an ambi, Sharief with a machine gun on his lap. Three hours - absolutely nothing. Sharief was tired and says, "Okay, Atal, you win. I'm tired. Let's go home."

Suddenly, as they're heading back, they see a group of 10 people walking down the street, blitzed out of their minds. Elated, Sharief rolls down the window and blows them all away.

Headline next morning in Times of India:
'FANATIC KILLS ENTIRE STAFF OF PAKISTAN EMBASSY. '

Mushy on KBC. Once Star TV decides to host the 'Kaun Banega Crorepati' Quiz show( TSP special ) in Karachi. They invite Mushy for show. Amitabh Bachchan asks Mushy the first question.

Name the country that has maximum number of terrorists? Options are A) Pakistan B) Pakistan C) Pakistan D) Pakistan.

Mushy is confused and asks for Karachi audience lifeline. The results A) 25 per cent, B) 25 per cent, C) 25 per cent and D) 25 per cent angers him and he immediately uses the fifty-fifty lifeline. The computer removes options B and D.

Mushy is still confused so he uses the third and final lifeline, phone a friend. Amitabh asks Mushy the name of the person with whom he would like to talk to. Mushy scratches his head and then suddenly remembering that during Agra summit, Atalji talked a lot on cross border terrorism.....so he says I would like to talk to Atalji.

Atalji comes on the line.....exchanges pleasentaries with Amitabh and even recites a poem for him. Further Amitabh says, Atalji we have Mushy here on the show and he is stuck on the very first question and needs your help. Mushy says, Atalji kya haal hain. Main KBC se bol raha hoon. Achha, yeh hai question. Name the country that has maximum number of terrorists.

Without even listening to the options, pat comes Atalji's reply, Pakistan. Just then the 30 seconds are up and Amitabh asks Mushy for his answer. Mushy waits for a few minutes and says: "Sirji, Atalji said Pakistan but he never said whether it was A) Pakistan or C) Pakistan

Musharraf wanted to raise money for his country, and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for one was very high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper:

MUSHARRAF'S ASS SHOWS

Mian Sahib was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

MUSHARRAF'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

His wife was so upset with this kind of publicity that she ordered Mian MUSHARRAF not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

WIFE SCRATCHES MUSHARRAF'S ASS

This was too much for WIFE. So she ordered MUSHARRAF to get rid of the donkey. Mian Sahib decided to give it to BENAZIR. The paper headline the next day read:

BENAZIR TAKES MUSHARRAF'S ASS

Followed by another on the next day:

NOW BENAZIR HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

All the opposition leaders got very upset at this kind of publicity. They informed Benazir that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for Rs.500. Next day the headline read:

BENAZIR SELLS HER ASS FOR Rs. 500

This was too much for the veteran opposition leader, Nawabzada Nasrullah Khan, so he ordered Benazir to buy back the donkey lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

BENAZIR ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Nawabzada was buried the next day and Pakistan got rid of the biggest ASS it had produced in the bargain.

During Kargil, General Musharraf visited a forward post. Praises his soldiers for their fortitude against the Kafir and declares that Insha-allah, one day, we will sit on the throne of Delhi. Expecting his soldiers to respond enthusiastically to such comments, he finds their response rather muted. Upon asking his commanders for the appalling lack of esprit de corps, his commanders reply that the reason was that the soldiers had been without any "female companionship" for a while.

Upon discovering this, Mushy steps out of his tent and goes out to greet his soldiers. He tells them that it is certainly true that it is hard to live without certain pleasures of life but that Allah will grant them the cliched 72 virgins upon martyrdom. "So you have not had sex in a while, huh?" he asks. "Janab," replies a NLI man, "its not that we have not had it, just that it involves some hardships." "How so?" asks Mushy. "You see that donkey over there", replies the NLI soldier, "well whenever we feel the urge, we climb up on her and-". "Enough said," roars Mushy. Wanting to express solidarity with his troops, he solemnly declares that "that which is good enough for my soldiers is good enough for me." Marches off in the direction of the ass, pulls down his pants, lifts the donkeys tail and buggers the poor ass. Having consummated the act, he pulls his pants up, turns around to see his soldiers absolutely stunned. He asks, "What are you so shocked about? Its not like you guys haven't been doing this!"

One NLI soldiers musters enough courage to say, "Janab, but you did not let us finish what we were saying." "What my friend here was about to say was that, we climb up on her (the donkey) and ride her for three days down to the nearest town where there is a brothel.

An insect falls into a mug of beer...

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.

Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer.

- Relates the issue to Kashmir.

- Asks the Chinese for Military aid.

- Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

A Pakistani Ambassador to the UN just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands and walked together in the long verandah when suddenly the Pakistani said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Pakistani whispers, "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, Chinese, Japanese and even Indians! But never any Pakistani, Afghani or Arabs. So my son is very upset. He doesn't understand nor do I about why there aren't any Arabs or Pakistanis in the Star Trek show."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Pakistani, and whispers in his ear, "Because... the show is all about the future."

In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, Vajpayee and Pervez Musharraf decided to visit each others country regularly. The first visit was by Vajpayee to Pakistan. Musharraf showed him Pakistan's modern Telecommunication system. It was so good that Vajpayee made a call to an old friend in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes! The bill for the call came to only 5 Rupees.

When Vajpayee returned, he too wanted India's Telecommunication systems to be at their best when Musharraf visited India. Suitable arrangements were made for the same. Musharraf came to India, visited the telecom department and then spoke with an old friend in hell for 5 minutes. However, this time, the bill was 500 Rupees! Musharraf asked with a sarcastic smile, "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India?" A High level diplomat gave a cool reply, "From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from India it is long distance!"

Once three scientists American, Japanese, and Pakistani were discussing their nation's scientific capability, and the American says, "In our country there was this boy who lost his legs in an accident, and we put artificial ones, and today you know he is an olympic gold medalist!"

The Japanese laughs and says, "This is nothing, in our nation there was this boy who lost his hands and legs in accident and we put artifical ones, and today he is a karate champion!"

The Pakistani laughs and says, "These are nothing, in our nation there was this boy who had no brains, and so we put a coconut in his head, and today u know......he is the 'Military ruler of Pakistan!"

Once three friends an Indian, a Sri Lankan and a Pakistani, wearing their respective country's cap, were walking after a cricket game at Lords. They suddenly stopped to see a beautiful woman, stark naked, passed out lying on the ground with her face up.

Indian, "I can't see a woman's modesty being flouted like this". So he takes his cap on puts it on the left breast.

Sri Lankan, "Me too". He puts his cap on the right breast.

Pakistani, "Me too". He puts his cap on the third distinct front private part of the woman.

A Bobby then comes and they tell him what's happened. He lifts the left cap, scribbles some notes and places the cap back. He then lifts the right cap and does the same.

He then lifts the Pakistani's cap, looks stunned puts it back. Keeps lifting it and putting it back half-a-dozen times still stunned.

Finally the Pakistani gets ticked off and says, "you pervert what the heck are you doing".

Bobby, "Pardon me but I have always found an asshole underneath a Pakistani cap".